Surrendering Control

the greatest illusion is that we have ultimate control.

of our stories, of our plans, of our “next”

You know that feeling when you say something aloud and the gravity of your words don’t find residence within your body until moments after the last syllable has been heard?

It’s as though the space between your words and the feelings that accompany them are two perfect strangers entirely unaware of the moment in which they’ll meet, as one exits an elevator and the other enters.

Except in these moments, those fictitious elevator doors don’t close and reopen…they stand still so that no one exits and no one enters. Only at the sound of the elevator’s ring do those words finally find home.

“I can’t believe what I just said…”

I sat with my therapist a few weeks back reflecting on this year and said:

“The hardest thing about this year is that I have had no control…that I’ve had to surrender all control.”

Since that session, those words have gradually found residence within me and I’ve sat—both uneasily and contemplatively—unpacking the weight and grief locked inside what I spoke.

What’s continued to come up, is the idea of control as an illusion.

What about my view of life, of faith, of God has positioned me to believe all this time I was in ultimate control?

What does it mean as one who believes in Christ to not only realize but accept that our times, our plans, and our future rests in the hands of the one that authors time? 

Or, perhaps, the more appropriate question is what does it look like to live our day-to-day as though we are fully convinced and need no further convincing of this truth? It’s one thing to affirm the words of King David when he spoke “My times are in thy hand,” and a very odd, yet, courageous boldness to live these words…come what may.

To live through the reality of disappointment, followed by yet another set of disappointments.

To become intimate with anxiety, fear, doubt and hopelessness.

To be frustrated simply because the season you are tasked to endure is one filled with impenetrable fog, zero visibility, and a deafening silence that pulls you to your knees asking…God, are you even there?

But if I know nothing else, I know the One who can allow passage for the smoke and simultaneously clear a path through it.

I know the One whose voice, though quiet and almost undetectable, can be heard in the whisper of the wind.

The very One who, across the street from the road called despair, can re-position our hopelessness into the greatest opportunity to understand His nature, His character, and His power from a deeper, more intimate and unfiltered point of view.

Perhaps some of our greatest challenges aren’t the challenges themself…

Rather, it’s the work to reframe our understanding and interpretation of what these challenges mean

And,

The work to reframe our understanding and interpretation of where God is and what He has to say in the midst of said challenges…that is what plagues us the most. 

In my own life, I’ve had to identify where and when I’d become so swallowed up by a desire to have control that I gave those feelings permission to dictate the dynamics in my relationship with Christ. 

How sobering it was for God to show me how I’d become caught up in the pursuit of my desires that I traded presence for transactions. In his loving kindness, he has used 2023 as the ultimate pruning accessory to remind me that this story of mine is more about Him than it has ever been about me.

I’m reminded of the words from Apostle Paul:

33 Who could ever wrap their minds around the riches of God, the depth of his wisdom, and the marvel of his perfect knowledge? Who could ever explain the wonder of his decisions or search out the mysterious way he carries out his plans? 34 For who has discovered how the Lord thinks or is wise enough to be the one to advise him in his plans? 35 Or: “Who has ever first given something to God that obligates God to owe him something in return?” 36 For out of him, the sustainer of everything, came everything, and now everything finds fulfillment in him. May all praise and honor be given to him forever! Amen! (Romans 11:33-36 TPT)

…And now everything finds fulfillment in him.

What would it look like to recline in the fulfillment of who God is and authentically experience the freedom of His fulfillment? To release the pressure of frantic planning, orchestrating, contemplating, and strategizing what our next move is, in exchange for exhaled air in the fulfillment of what his next move is.

And while this may not be an easy ask, I’m encouraged and inspired to ride the tidal waves next year…trusting that those once daunting and harrowing highs and lows will no longer shipwreck me offshore, because I’m anchored in One who can be trusted today, tomorrow, and always.

Here’s to finding more fulfillment in Him in 2024. 

With love,

Ash.